Premium Rush

This summer's fast-paced, heart pounding, high-octane adrenaline ride is finally here, and it's horrible. Not just terrible, or bad, or even so-so, but an abysmal turd of a film.

The release date was pushed back for what are now obvious reasons, but they didn't fix any of the presumably identified problems. I don't even know where to start, so I'll give you a quick synopsis.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is Wiley, the top gun, hot shot bike messenger in New York City, who went to Columbia Law School, and then decided to take a job that pays him, and I quote, "$80 on a good day" instead of taking the Bar. Let's assume that, being the best at his gig, everyday is a good day. $80 times 5 days per week is $400 a week. Not bad for someone living in rural Mississippi or Alabama, but NYC? $400 a week equates to $20,800 per year. Before taxes. Let's see. Someone fresh out of an Ivy League law school making $20,800 a year, living in NYC? Not sure I believe it.

That's not even the most unbelievable thing. He whizzes down the streets with a sense of entitlement, inconveniencing every car on the road, and most pedestrians going about their business. The fact that he isn't beaten up for causing so much havoc is beyond me. You cause me to get in a car accident trying to avoid killing a guy on a bike, and you'd better believe I'd be mad.

That's beside the point. Wiley is given a delivery task, and it turns out to be bigger than he bargains for. A corrupt NYPD detective spends the next hour and a half following him in comical style, getting duped at every turn, and a NYPD bicycle cop gets constantly bamboozled as well, chasing him for other reasons. Are you getting the picture yet? It's ridiculous.

What made this particular movie experience regrettable for me was that one of my favorite actors, Michael Shannon, plays the dirty cop. I'm not sure if it was the intent, but his lines are awful, his delivery is cringe-worthy, and his character has absolutely no animation. How could such a great actor perform so embarrassingly? I lost a whole lot of respect for him as an actor, and it will take an epic performance as next summer's Superman foe, Zod to put him back in my good graces.

The writing is what bring it to a whole new depth. David Koepp has written some decent films in his career: Jurassic Park, Carlito's Way, The Lost World, Mission: Impossible, Spiderman, War of the Worlds, etc. He has never done anything worth mentioning as a director however. My suspicion is that his tenure in Hollywood is the reason he's behind this film. His next two writing projects could put him back on track, Snow White and the Huntsman 2, and the reboot of Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan franchise, starring a great choice in Chris Pine.

Supporting Gordon-Levitt and Shannon are the eye candy; Dania Ramirez, and Jamie Chung. Let me be clear here. Both of these women are gorgeous, but Ramirez can't act her way out of a paper bag, and Chung is given the token Asian girl role a bit too much. She may be good at the "speak very little English" thing, but it's passe.

There are so many flaws with the story that it's almost unbearable. We almost walked out of the movie multiple times, and it's a good thing we didn't have to pay to get in. The film tries to be clever with flash backs and flash forwards, trying to impress the importance of the time, and the urgency of the package delivery. The unfortunate thing is, that nobody cares. There isn't enough emotion invested in any of these characters, or the terrible story to want anyone to get what they are looking for.

In the end, the bike messenger community comes together in an eye-rolling climax and I left the theatre feeling empty and scratching my head in a combination of confusion and dismay.

I think the bicycle genre is a dead end. I just don't think it has any teeth and will never capture the audience in the way that its futile attempt fantasized about. David Koepp laid a big fat egg on this one, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Michael Shannon will regret this for a long time. I just hope they got paid well. 4/10.