2012

Attempting to capitalize on the current "Mayan Calendar Apocalypse" scare, 2012 shows us exactly what we have come to expect from Roland Emmerich; weak and predictable plot lines about terribly written characters who escape from impossible and clearly un-researched situations. Fortunately for viewers, this is exactly why we go see his movies.

Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla, the Patriot, the Day After Tomorrow, and 10,000 BC round out Emmerich's hit and miss collection of calamitous adventure flicks. He has made a name for himself synonymous with someone like George Romero, Michael Bay, John Waters, or Roger Corman. Someone who creates films that are in a league of their own, yet nobody has any reason to imitate or duplicate.

2012 operates under the conspiracy theory that the world will end in a cataclysmic fireball of volcanoes, hurricanes, tsunamis and earthquakes, all in a matter of hours and days. Convenient for a disaster flick, but highly improbable.

A meager attempt to base the foundations of the theory in fact, however accelerated and misguided that it might be, seems to be Emmerich's bread and butter. For the purpose of financial gain via special effect orgasms all over the screen, he is relatively successful.

The problem that I am beginning to have with his work is that it is predictable recycled material. I can sum up the story in a short paragraph, and you would have no idea which movie I am talking about:

Strange occurrences on planet earth. Single person determines the cause and fights to survive, bringing a small group of believers with him. Massive explosions ensue and prominent world landmarks and various wonders of the world crumble in an attempt to wow the viewer. Preposterous survival, happy ending.

There are a couple of things that need to rear their evil heads no more - by Michael Bay or Roland Emmerich - Please! Eccentric characters who are heroic beneath a shroud of craziness. Families who reunite through the mutual experience of death, doom and destruction. And, finally, inopportune motivational speeches with undertones of humanity and hope. Someone just shoot me.

John Cusack, an otherwise fine actor leads the cast of B-listers, and drags his family across the world in a series of near-misses to ultimately board one of a handful of "Arks" that have been built to propagate the species and ensure survival. How does one become a lucky member of this elite group of just a couple hundred thousand people? By being a billionaire of course. The not-so-subtle innuendo of class differences and government corruption pervade the films innocuous message. Wait, what is the message? Oh yes, that even you can fly a plane off of a crumbling runway not once, not twice, but three times (without knowing how to fly, mind you) and even you can hold your breath under freezing water for minutes at a time. Wait, is that the message?

In all seriousness however, the levity that is made about the BILLIONS of deaths is a bit undermining of the actual message of hope and humanity. Survival is impossible in a scenario of this magnitude, and in my humble opinion, everyone should have died a quick and horrific death. That would have been more realistic if the world were to fall apart at once.

Do you like to see the White House being crushed by the USS John F. Kennedy? Do you want to see Los Angeles fall into the ocean with all of its narcissistic plastic people obliviously falling off of the 405? Finally, do you ever wish that Las Vegas could be engulfed in flames? Maybe you'd like to see Old Faithful erupt, or an homage to the devastation of 9/11 and the Titanic in the same film! If you answered yes to any of these, this just might be the film for you.

Exactly what you would expect from the master of disaster, but as unoriginal as it is unsatisfying. 5/10.