Sharknado

People, we need to talk about a very serious problem. Blame global warming, but this could really happen. Sharks raining down from water spouts if hurricane force storms develop over the ocean. It makes perfect sense, and might do well as a science lesson (7th grade catastrophic events unit?). Arm yourselves with flares, chainsaws, bar stools, and baseball bats. It's the only way to survive. You're not safe at the beach. you're not safe in your house. And you sure as hell aren't safe in the Hollywood Hills. Wait, what?

Steven Spielberg wishes he had thought of this. Herman Melville would be shaking in his boots. "Enough Said." That's the tagline for the SyFy original brainchild, and for all of the obvious surface flaws, this film is pure genius. It's the critical hit of the summer in much the way that Tommy Wiseau's gem, The Room has built a cult following. In the pantheon of bad films, Sharknado has chomped out its niche. With a budget of somewhere between one and two million (and that includes Ian Ziering and Tara Reid's salaries), it is a no-brainer for the network. Although the short-lived theatrical release only grossed $200,000, SyFy had viewership of 1.4 million, 1.9 million, and 2.1 million people during its three televised runs. It's spawned so much buzz that a sequel is in the works, but how can you possibly top Sharknado? Sharknado Soup? Or Sharkicane? Maybe Sharkcano or Sharknami? I personally like Sharkphoon, but the SyFy people have gone with Sharknado 2: The Second One. What? For a bunch of Sci-Fi nerds who threw sharks in a tornado, they truly lack imagination.

Chuck Norris has officially been dethroned. Ian Ziering, aka Steve Sanders from the original Beverly Hills 90210 (I'm not ashamed - I was like 12) shows the most extreme case of badassery in film history as he literally makes a flying jump, enters a shark with a chainsaw, and cuts his way out rescuing his friend in the process. WHAT? Eat your heart out, Jonah.

Anyway, the film begins as all great ones do. A foreboding and entirely irrelevant shady deal on a black market shark fishing vessel. Five minutes later, you'll be scratching your head in utter confusion, but that's just the beginning. We're introduced to Fin (Ziering), who's a local surfing legend and caring father who just made the mistake of marrying Tara Reid. He's thrown into hero mode as the storm of the century rocks Santa Monica, dropping Selichimorpha all over the beach, and inland as far as... Hollywood. Or downtown LA, whichever is farther East. Anyway, the storm turns into a series of water spouts and it's up to Fin and his sidekicks to save humanity from this frightening phenomenon.

The writer's name is Thunder Levin. No joke, and he's written and directed a handful of winners including this year's AE: Apocalypse Earth, and Atlantic Rim. He also happened to be the brains behind the C. Thomas Howell 2008 classic Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood! The man probably makes twice what I make, and makes steaming pile after steaming pile. C'est la vie. Not much better is the director, Anthony Ferrante, who has some obscure work on his resume, most notably para-homeless activity. Stay classy Anthony.

The good news is that colleges around the country now have a new drinking game available. Anytime you spot a continuity error in Sharknado, you drink. I'm not condoning this activity because it will likely lead to alcohol poisoning, but it almost becomes expected for there to be, oh I don't know, maybe a shiver of sharks swimming down the LA Aquaduct in stock footage as Fin drives a Land Cruiser through it. Wardrobe changes, wet and dry shots, and pure nonsense like a house full of water when it's dry outside. It's truly a remarkable feat to have the brazen vision that defies both logic and physics. Cars just explode for no reason, right? Shoot a shark in mid-air with a shotgun and it will fly backwards. Climb a rope above water and a shark will likely jump up and get himself tangled in the rope. Silly shark. The best however is another Fin moment of Chuck Norrisdom. He sets a swimming pool on fire. And then it explodes. Yessss!

Some filmmakers say that making a movie with animals or water are the two most difficult variables of a production, so it's no wonder that Thunder and Anthony decided on both. Why not? There's plenty of flood stock footage out there, and sharks in a feeding frenzy. The Discover Channel has Shark Week every year after all. Intersperse that footage with dry roads and clear skies, and the audiences won't even know the difference.

I'm not saying Sharknado is a bad movie. Sharknado is an epically bad movie that will stay with you long after it's over. But, alas, it's worth a viewing if you're feeling chippy. Check it out on Netflix or next time you're surfing channels and you come across SyFy. They have a ton of golden turds. 2/10.