The Expendables 2

OK, so the movie starts and I'm sitting there and all of a sudden, I think to myself, "did someone just fart?" But it turns out, it was just the testosterone filling the theatre, blowing all of our hair back.

You can't put a film like the Expendables 2 in any normal film category, it's pretty much reserved for the military-grade Stallone and Schwarzenegger popcorn flicks, but this one takes their collective steroid stash, and injects it all at once and then blows everything up. and then dumps gratuitous violence and blood all over the screen. But it's done very tastefully.

A mind-blowing cast that would have grossed 10 billion dollars 20 years ago, we have Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Chuck freakin' Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme, and the other 2nd tier meatheads; Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren. Thrown in for good measure is Liam Hemsworth, aka Mr. Miley Cyrus, and Thor's little brother. It must suck to be Thor's little brother.

The cast combined has an estimated box office gross of somewhere in the 12-13 billion dollar range. Wait, WHAT? 4 billion for Ahnold, 4 billion for Sly, 3 billion for Bruno, 1.5 billion for the Muscles from Brussels, 1.5 billion for the Chinese Champion (I made that up) and half a billion for the Dean of Mean, Carlos Ray Norris. Jesus was able to walk on water, right? Well, Chuck Norris can swim through land. OK, that's the last one, I promise.

If I haven't made my point yet, this film is ridiculous. And loud. And... fun. I remember laughing way more than I expected during the first one, and this one is no different. It's not funny per se, it's just simply fun. The story doesn't make any sense, and that's OK. Stallone and his crew of "expendables" (ironic because they don't seem to actually die) drop in loudly and rudely on a Nepalese terrorist camp and make a daring rescue that would make James Braddock, John Rambo, John McClane, and John Matrix proud (look it up). The body count has to be in the hundreds. They then are blackmailed into doing a job, which they do. Then it ends. See, I told you it's ridiculous.

Terry Crews is great. He is given great one-liners, and intimidates me with his god-like trapezius muscles. He's the hulk from the old-spice commercials if you don't recognize the name. Van Damme also rejuvenates his career as the ruthless villain, who has absolute power over his henchmen and really just wants his money. Great stuff. Chuck Norris is given the juicy cameo role, complete with a little Ennio Morricone Good, Bad, Ugly theme music. You know the tune, the whistle before the showdown. Schwarzenegger and Willis showed up for the party, but were used sparingly in the film. They were in it for the fun and the paycheck, no doubt. Stallone just turned 66, and his body is incredible. Take a look at this still from the upcoming Bullet to the Head.

Have you ever? I mean, ever?

Anyway, the movie has far too many inside jokes about being back, yipeekiyaa, being too old for this stuff, being a lone wolf, Rambo, yada yada ya. But, for what it's worth, I'm truly glad that Stallone assembled these boys and brought a genre out of the nursing home. He is still fun to watch, and may have kicked a few careers in the butt.

The third one is already in talks, and if the current one performs at the box office, the studio will certainly green-light it. Mickey Rourke is rumored to be coming back, and the names of notable additions thrown around are Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery, and Nicolas Cage. Steven Segal is the lone missing name that I can think of, and he'll probably show up, presumably as a bad guy. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Sly Stallone has created a monsterpiece (that's right, monster and masterpiece).

I recently found out that the film was given a hard PG-13 instead of an R because of Chuck Norris. That's right, Chuck Norris isn't scared of the MPAA, the MPAA is scared of Chuck Norris. No joke. Also, Dolph Lundgren did in fact attend, and graduate from my alma mater, WSU with a degree in chemistry (thanks Joe). You know exactly what you're getting into with this one, check it out for sure if you're a 30-something guy and you still love and appreciate the 80's action flicks. 7/10.