Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers 3 upgrades the franchise with 3D, IMAX, and a stronger cast featuring Oscar nominated and winning actors. It also weighs in at a hefty 2 hrs and 40 mins. These wonderful upgrades don't save it from its recurring Achilles heel however; a terrible storyline.

Michael Bay follows the current trend and goes Historical Fiction by taking the Apollo moon landing, and Chernobyl and making them a critical part of a human conspiracy that teams people with Decepticons. You can't make this up, folks.

Bay does something that I truly thought impossible considering his style and skill set; he bored me at a Transformers movie.

As Sam faces the challenges of life after college, attempting to start a career, and running into obstacles at every turn due to his criminal record in spite of his heroics which are deemed top secret (really? expunge?) and he painfully can't discuss with any of his potential employers, he finds work for John Malkovich. Wasted talent aside, this angle was a bit unnecessary, and didn't really create the sympathy for Sam that was intended as much as sabotage the action and slow the pacing.

Frances McDormand and Patrick Dempsey join the cast as well, and add nothing but nonsense to the mix. McDormand is wasted talent, but she looks like she enjoyed the role, and Dempsey's character throws the story off the tracks completely.

Finally, Rosie Huntington-Whitely replaces Megan Fox as Sam's love interest; a somehow wealthy personal assistant to Dempsey who is desperately in love with Sam, and supports him as he continues his job search. You get what you pay for with a Victoria's Secret model in her first acting job. She makes you cringe with each word out of her mouth, and although she fills the eye candy role beautifully, her expressions and reactions are painfully robotic and prescribed. As gorgeous as she is, she truly needs to stick to the runway.

I hate to admit it, but I kind of missed Megan Fox. As terrible as she is at acting, there is something about her that goes hand in hand with Transformers and Shia LaBeouf. I suppose she'll think next time before calling her director "Hitler" in front of her Jewish producer...

I digress. By now you are probably scratching your head thinking what the redeeming qualities might be. There are three, and they make the movie entertaining and watchable, even if all else is snooze-inducing.

1. Special Effects. Need I say more? The Transformers franchise are ripe for creative effects with amazing explosions and visual stimulation that makes the viewer melt into the seat. Even compared with the first film, the seamless integration of the robots and the humans, and the scenes with pyrotechnics and destruction of cars and buildings is believable. To Bay's credit, he does this better than just about anyone else out there, but he needs to keep up the momentum, because I think viewers are coming to expect more and bigger and better each time out, and his delivery isn't quite as mind-blowing as someone like James Cameron. A high expectation, but he's established himself as king of his genre.

2. Transformers. The franchise is awesome, and as a fan-boy, I'm blown away by how they have been brought to the silver screen. It's a far cry from the low-tech cartoons that captivated me in the 1980's. The robots are amazing, and with more added with each film, the variety was satisfying in this one. Many of the original robots were showcased, like Sound Wave and Laserbeak, Shockwave, and Wheeljack (some of my personal favorites). There were still the carry-over from the second TF film with the annoying personalities of the little, lesser-known robots who are given ridiculous lines to cut the tension of an action scene.

3. Sound. Just as this film will be nominated for special effects awards, the sound was equally amazing. IMAX amplified this experience, but Bay really knows how to integrate heavy beats, chilling riffs, and over-the-top rock music. It's cliche and a part of his personal arsenal, but it works.

I'm ready for something a bit different from Michael Bay. His slow motion upward angled panned shots with the actor looking toward the sky with a concerned look on their face, hair perfectly coifed and dirt strategically placed on designer clothes. The background a perfect sunset hue of yellows and reds. I'm getting tired of it, sorry Michael. Time to move on to something new, which sadly won't happen due to the billions of dollars his films have generated. I'm sure we'll see more of the same, and I'll still go see his movies because the action is so damn captivating.

Ehren Kruger missed the mark when he wrote this piece of work. His only gem was Arlington Road, and that was twelve years ago, so I wonder how he is still working. I could have written a better script for this film, and could have done so without the star-studded mess of a cast.

All in all, this is exactly what you should expect when you walk into the theatre. It's loud, visually orgasmic at times, and ultimately a cool movie. It's frustrating to see Michael Bay make the same mistakes over and over, but as much as we're used to it, it's pure movie fun. Get your popcorn, put on your 3D glasses, and settle in for nearly three hours of action. Appropriate for the 4th of July, there are plenty of fireworks in this film. 6/10.